Saturday, August 23, 2008

spostati di vento. in silenzio.

I am moving by wind. In Silence.
You can't catch me (not that you really want to), and I can't catch myself either.
I do not see the path, I simply am moved. Moved to dance and lay in the grass, moved to sit under a bridge, moved to tears, moved to love and laugh and cry.

The wind picks me up and I go. I go and I'm sorry.
It is not fear, but wind--wonderlust--that takes me.
Even when my body stays around, at least my mind goes where the wind wants to take the rest of me.

But you don't notice because it is in silence and with silence that I am dancing.
You just wake up and I'm not there.

This wind, this silence invites you to come, but you are too busy to listen and to dance.
I wonder about where I'll end up too much.
Mostly I just want to know if you're going to come too.

It will be our silent, fantastic adventure.

Monday, August 18, 2008

say cheese

I have never been afraid for a friends life as much as I am for my friend whom I mentioned in my previous blog. There is a long, long story, but I wish I could just be there to hold him until it all passed. I think that friends' arms make the best escapes. 
Tomorrow, I move into my dorm. I am moving in early to help out with freshman orientation. To be honest, I am feeling like a freshman myself.

The truth is that I'm close to terrified. There are too many new, uncertain things this year. My best college friend is not coming back. Which means that all the adventures we were going to have aren't going to happen. 

The most terrifying part is that I am not the same person I was even in May. I do not know if this new person that is myself will fit in to JBU. I just don't know.

Siloam is a hard place to live in sometimes. I have made a few new friends this summer, and they have made it better, but it is still hard. Maybe I am just determined to be discontent. I was talking to one of my summer friends about how it is either laugh or cry.

I guess I'm just choosing to smile through my tears.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep" ~Henry David Thoreau

I use too many mechanical aids. And I am never asleep. 
I do not sleep because too many things pop into my head. Faces (real and made up), witty one-liners. sad things, conversations, things I want to do, things I can't do, things I need to do. 

And then I get a drunk call from my best friend. It is funny how long we can talk while he's intoxicated. He tells me funny stories and then he says that he loves me. He says I'm pretty and that one day I will make someone very happy...I find this funny because his reason for telling me this is that I go to JBU. He says I wouldn't hear it much there...Christians are stingy with their compliments. I love my best friend and am glad he only lives an hour away. 

I do NOT love that I can not sleep.  I wish I had someone here to talk to me until I fall asleep...not in the desperate kind of way but in the "you're not alone" kind. 

I think that my organs are professional mind races, my heart dances, and my stomach does gymnastics. They do this without my permission and leave me (who is not a professional athlete by any stretch) exhausted but sleepless.

What's funny is that you're sleeping soundly because you do not know. You do not know or you do not care, either way is okay with me. 

I wish I didn't have a sleeping family so that I could make a little bit of noise.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


I had a dream that I was an exciting and productive person.

It was just a dream...I am neither.

I spend my time sitting at railroad tracks, under bridges, in hidden spots outside thinking. That, or working. I am lame.