tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-59738612177317281572024-02-19T20:21:34.061-06:00I have nothing to offer except my own confusionjust jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.comBlogger47125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-35129911375491253502012-03-27T15:09:00.004-05:002012-03-27T15:59:03.282-05:00I'm okay with August 25thOn August 25th, I am getting married. What a strange idea that is. That in 5 months, I will be joining someone I love for the rest of our lives. My last name won't be Swysgood anymore, all those little things. <div><br /></div><div>Some of you know me from days when I thought marriage was stupid. That it was the worst decision a woman could do because it would keep her from a life of adventure and independence. But now, I'm (obviously) okay with getting married to James. Here's why</div><div><br /></div><div>It will be an adventure, neither one of us are closed off to any option for where life will take us. We believe that we were meant to be people who grow and change and seek out meaningful opportunities. When I walk down that aisle, I can honestly say I have no idea what kind of life I'm getting in to, just that I won't do it alone, and that is wonderful. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am specifically marrying James. He's not my "boss", my job isn't just to sit back and let him take charge of my life...I'm not resigning to a life of housework and cooking and babies (though, if those things happen, they will not be because it's my "duty" it will not only be my responsibility) I have yet to meet someone else outside of my immediate family who so strongly encourages and supports my discovery of my self. And that's why I'm choosing to make him my family.</div><div><br /></div><div>I want him in my life forever. I know you don't technically need that "piece of paper", but there's something comforting in the idea that we're wanting it to be declared in every possible way. I really do want our belongings to be each others', I want to share every part of my life with this man, because he has given every part of his heart to me. </div><div><br /></div><div>We've had our struggles. We've stepped back before we stepped forward, and those aren't the last times we'll dance like that. But gosh it will be lovely to watch. </div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-20250716489557220332011-12-30T16:47:00.010-06:002011-12-30T17:34:23.328-06:00A "New Year's Eve" post of sorts<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.designboom.com/weblog/images/images_2/2011/jenny/lomokino/lomokino01r.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 580px; height: 547px;" src="http://www.designboom.com/weblog/images/images_2/2011/jenny/lomokino/lomokino01r.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a><br />This is what I got for Christmas from James. And this was one of the most moving presents I've gotten. Why? because it was given to me so that I could keep myself open and creative as an artist. It's so hard when your profession is in the arts to continue in your personal art growth. It's easy to just create what makes your boss or your audience happy from 8-5 and then not create afterward because your just too tired, or too busy, or whatever other excuse you can come up with.<br />This is also moving because this is the second time in a month that he has more or less unwittingly supported what I have been feeling that I need to do. And here's what I need to do:<br /><br />BE DILIGENT<br /><br />This is not the same as being structured, or militant, this is doing what you need to do to better yourself. I have come to the realization that, even though I'm done with school, I'm not done learning. Life in itself is a matter of finding the perfect balance between study and practice, and I have not done either of those lately. I don't regret taking these last few months as a "sabbatical" of sorts...learning to rest, to manage the "grown up" things like finances, work, and living on my own...but now it's time for some forward motion, this time not for a degree or for a grade, or even to land a job, but for my own self, my own soul.<br /><br />In health:<br />I will be diligent in eating well. I am not going on a "diet"...I am going to eat well. For my body, and for the world I live in.<br />I am going to be active so that I can be healthy and physically able to do whatever life throws my way. Humans are so strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally...and it's a shame we don't attempt to be completely holistic and add physical strength to that list.<br /><br />In my art:<br />I am going to read a lot of books, look for inspiration...that's the study part.<br />Then, I'm actually going to do something about it. I'm going to try and fail and try again until I find my strides in my music, and in my visual arts.<br /><br />In my personal life:<br />I have yet to be open to invite people into my home and use my house as a place where true community can be found. I want to let my friends in so we can share this story called life together.<br /><br />Diligent. Intentional. Lord help me.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-71365517133587102132011-11-10T10:00:00.002-06:002011-11-10T10:13:07.191-06:00One Day On Earth<iframe src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/26378195" width="580" height="326" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen="" allowfullscreen=""></iframe><div><br /></div>This is beautiful, this is inspiring. This is the kind of project I want to do.<div><br /></div><div>We all have stories, and we need...no, we HAVE to celebrate that. </div><div><br /></div><div>So many times we look at stories from other cultures, with all their beautiful traditions and things that seem so foreign and exciting and feel that our story seems mundane. But the truth is it's beautiful. It is exciting. You have managed to be alive on this day, and because of that, there's a story to tell. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is also a challenge to myself of sorts...after college, I was so overwhelmed with all of the people and the crazy business of life that I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. I sometimes wonder if I've let my world become a little bit too small. I wonder if, in the midst of telling other peoples' stories through my job, and encouraging others to tell their own stories if I do a good job telling my own. </div><div><br /></div><div>So with that thought, tell me a story.</div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-20663084722059925702011-09-09T09:21:00.004-05:002011-09-13T13:35:37.604-05:00I will always be a mess. Always. <div><br /></div><div>But I'm willing to let go of whatever mess I'm simply holding in my hands, my vice gripped fists. </div><div><br /></div><div>To let go of worries, of demons and ghosts. of scars. </div><div><br /></div><div>To let it all go to where it's just me and you. two messes just trying to make it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Where it's just love. Perfect love that casts out fear. But it casts out a lot more than that. </div><div><br /></div><div>It casts out expectations. timelines. other voices. </div><div><br /></div><div>And in the place of those things, it brings in contentment. peace. laughter and I love you's.</div><div><br /></div><div>Because I really do. And that's why I'll open my hands. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-18378607392820950572011-07-11T11:34:00.002-05:002011-07-11T11:42:39.114-05:00I am thankful. <div><br /></div><div>Thankful for the broken pieces of myself that forced me back to being that little girl on the floor, crying out to her Father to help. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for that feeling. that moment. when all of the sudden, you know you're a changed person. and you can't help but celebrate the work of your Savior. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for the other moment. The one where you realize your life is nothing like you planned. But more fulfilling and more beautiful than what you had wanted for yourself. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for two strong arms that connect to a strong and wonderful man, that I fit perfectly in when they wrap themselves around me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for that strong and wonderful man. and the laughter that sums up our relationship. Joy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for a family who helps me pretend like I'm independent. but is there when I realize I'm still a kid.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for a job that allows me to do what I'm good at, while learning completely new things at the same time. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for dance. for art. for music.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thankful for time to sit and be thankful.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Gosh. My life is just so so good. </div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-76370577671653437622011-06-20T16:57:00.005-05:002011-06-20T17:32:07.057-05:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';">:</span><b><span style=" ;font-size:14pt;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';">After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.:</span></span></b><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">I said this the last time I posted. And guess what? I did it. I sat down, and...for the first time since high school...I took a deep breath. I sat with my family and gave them my undivided attention, I began dreaming about making things, doing things, slowing down and simplifying. And then, I realized that I didn't have the time. </span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">So. I quit. and it was the best decision I've ever made. I became so busy with church, I didn't have time for God, or for feeding my soul. I was so busy "ministering" I forgot how to spend genuine time with people and just be their friend. I can't remember the last time I picked up my instruments and played music or drew a picture just because I loved it. I could only fit in dance, the best thing I have done for myself, once a week-if that. </span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">So what do I do now? Live. I have time and energy to pour love in to my relationship with James. To be intentional about learning how to live a life beside someone. I get to love and thrive in my job, which is an incredible feeling. I'm not too tired to create or to dance. </span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">I can finally be. healthy. </span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><br /></span></span></b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFCC;">:</span></span></span></b></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; font-size:14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFCC;">"I do believe in simplicity. It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run. " -Henry David Thoreau:</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(24, 24, 24); line-height: 18px; font-family:georgia, serif;font-size:14px;"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">My roots run in passion. Passion for life. for joy in the simplest of the everyday...which I can only do if life becomes more than just a blur passing by me. Passion for people. loving them, working towards justice and equality...which I can only do if I have time for actual people.</span></b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /></span></b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;">This is my new motivation. </span></b></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';font-size:19px;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFCC;">:</span></span></b></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; font-size:14px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFCC;">"All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe.":</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" color: rgb(24, 24, 24); line-height: 18px; font-family:georgia, serif;font-size:14px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color:#FFFFCC;">Me? I'll be dancing. You may join me if you like.</span></span></span></span></div><div><!--StartFragment--><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'courier new';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> <div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Arial;font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div></div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-20006266440580023692011-03-22T12:49:00.003-05:002011-03-22T12:54:30.338-05:00It's been since Christmas since I've touched this thing.<br />My oh my how my life has changed. Over the course of those few months, and the changes are just beginning.<br /><br />My pride has been broken. I'm feeling it as I learn to die to myself and follow a path much bigger and better than me. But not bigger and better in the world's idea, in fact. Some would look and say I'm settling for something much smaller, but I don't hear them anymore.<br /><br />My dear spiritual mother said that, when we are patient to follow the will of God, the blessings will not stop. And I'm finding her words to be true. I'm blessed in love, from a man and from my consistently wonderful friends. I'm blessed in school, somehow everything is getting done so I can get out. I'm blessed with dreams given by God. and I cannot wait to see what happens after May 7th.<br /><br />Over the past few months, here is what I've learned:<br />1. <span style="font-weight: bold;">It's more than okay to be slightly wild. </span><br />I'm allowed to thrive off of extreme joy in the small. I can dance when I hear a song I love and sing to it at the top of my lungs if I want. I can run through fields. Laugh a childlike full-belly laugh whenever I want. I can be moved to tears by good art. I can take time to show the person standing in front of me that they mean the world to me. Why? Because all of these are but samples of just how much God loves me.<br /><br />2. <span style="font-weight: bold;">Open Up</span><br />The past three months of opening up to allow someone in is the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I am one with a lot of walls, and James has had to fight to tear them down. But the result of being known as well as I am, as scary as it is. Has changed me. I'm willing to take the time to be known by others...not to the same extent, but still known. I want to open up to more people because I want them to know the same unconditional love, acceptance, and understanding I know.<br /><br />3. <span style="font-weight: bold;">You choose who you want to be. </span><br />There comes a point of release. Whatever everyone is saying about how you should be, where you should go, what you should do. You get to choose whether it matters or not. You get to follow their suggestions or declare yourself free and run straight into who you were created to be.<br /><br /><br />There's so many more.<br /><br />Here is the lesson I want to learn, I found this on a blog I follow:<br /><br />"If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, <span style="font-weight: bold;">stop immediately</span>. If you think <span style="font-style: italic;">maybe </span>you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure,<span style="font-weight: bold;"> stop immediately. </span>The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart.<span style="font-weight: bold;"> If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.<span style="font-weight: bold;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO-aP2mA6Oncr34EbqEKTH4MBE_1XnQshrn9UGMv6cbnpyvTFzNC0uggJrb8IqU-sQ41WVIEliC7hyphenhyphenSSnkX5X-QwCg4aRzxfnOYlYCYus98BrcGd8To1LAqCpwgDCx8IYzv60ddTTnRtOz/s1600/people%252Brunning%252Bin%252Bmuseum.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 420px; height: 315px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgO-aP2mA6Oncr34EbqEKTH4MBE_1XnQshrn9UGMv6cbnpyvTFzNC0uggJrb8IqU-sQ41WVIEliC7hyphenhyphenSSnkX5X-QwCg4aRzxfnOYlYCYus98BrcGd8To1LAqCpwgDCx8IYzv60ddTTnRtOz/s320/people%252Brunning%252Bin%252Bmuseum.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5586963966245512882" border="0" /></a></span><br /></span></span><img src="file:///Users/Sputnik/Desktop/people+running+in+museum.jpg" alt="" /><img src="file:///Users/Sputnik/Desktop/people+running+in+museum.jpg" alt="" /><img src="file:///Users/Sputnik/Desktop/people+running+in+museum.jpg" alt="" /><img src="file:///Users/Sputnik/Desktop/people+running+in+museum.jpg" alt="" /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span></span>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-52906361555955232802010-12-25T10:29:00.004-06:002010-12-25T10:51:13.390-06:00.:Truly He taught us to love one another:.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgexzNFMlTXkdHo4nPCDa71l58ETKbeYoOWC7kKvkxLNUvf4Ul4IsaYE89MaoaAE4HqrCH1Qdz6KcDuM-yB-dGntg96zhFoo1FmXYSw6t4jCkXiPhlQYMEvT5tKakkN3ro7g2pz9dqWJfkS/s1600/5066129708_62b1047fd5_b.jpg"><br /></a><h3 class="UIIntentionalStory_Message" ft="{"type":"msg"}"><span class="UIIntentionalStory_Names" ft="{"type":"name"}"> </span><span class="UIStory_Message">"Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His Gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother, and in His Name all oppression shall cease."</span></h3><br />I'm not going to lie, Christmas music drives me crazy. But these lines alone are so powerful, I can't get them out of my head. This is not a "don't buy anything for Christmas" or a "you should feel guilty about all the presents you got, you selfish Americans" post. This is a post of celebration!<br /><br />Christmas, not December 25th (because December 25th is just another day), but the actual coming of perfect, holy Jesus to come sit with, love, and die for all of us messed up people, is just the beginning of a truth and a powerful celebration that should follow us every day. He came to show there is one gift we all want. One gift we all desperately need-freedom. Freedom from ourselves, freedom from our oppression, freedom from being the oppressors. Freedom from everything and everyone that tells us to stay put, we're powerless and no good can come from us. That is wrong, and that is slavery.<br /><br />Jesus came to bring us jubilee! He not only broke our chains by dying on the cross, but he gave us the power and the call to break chains for others in his name. Through him, we have a love that surpasses all understanding. Through him, we can look at someone and demand that all spiritual oppression end. Because of Jesus, we have the vision of a better world where there is no slavery, no wars, just love and justice because that is what makes up who HE is. And we have the Scriptures to help us know how to begin to bring that kingdom to this world until he comes and brings it to its fulfillment.<br /><br />So, beginning today, Christmas day. Let's run through the streets, proclaiming justice, breaking free, breaking chains. Loving so much it hurts us, yelling jubilee until our throats are raw. Anyone who tells us we can't change the world is right, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, you can change little parts of the world. You can do all he has equipped you to do, and that is more than enough.<br /><br />What have we got to lose?<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDSO5H7OSqBOsWYszKPelVsQJTlY8w201V8J42tqBReeeMLZPAktFikDtwEQ4OdZFYshANBBB_CYr-yvafBIn4W11OQQ7rJ6RN8-K_4rvlrVpDqexjA0QQVmo5Cxpo9AEv43HqV2cZGYQ/s1600/5066129708_62b1047fd5_b.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 501px; height: 374px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhDSO5H7OSqBOsWYszKPelVsQJTlY8w201V8J42tqBReeeMLZPAktFikDtwEQ4OdZFYshANBBB_CYr-yvafBIn4W11OQQ7rJ6RN8-K_4rvlrVpDqexjA0QQVmo5Cxpo9AEv43HqV2cZGYQ/s320/5066129708_62b1047fd5_b.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5554663009667916002" border="0" /></a>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-79360918850417822432010-12-09T22:52:00.000-06:002010-12-09T22:54:13.023-06:00Linus is right<object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eVqqj1v-ZBU?fs=1&hl=en_US"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eVqqj1v-ZBU?fs=1&hl=en_US" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object><br /><br />I won't let commercialism ruin my Christmasjust jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-69412963064842496682010-11-26T19:56:00.002-06:002010-11-26T20:09:23.463-06:00ThanksgivingWhy does Thanksgiving end as soon as you wash the dishes? As soon as we fall into the food coma, we wake up and have moved straight on to the holiday where we get to make a list of all the things we wish we had, and forget about what we are thankful for.<br /><br />Okay, now that that is out of the way...<br /><br />Someone said the other day that they didn't think I'd ever get out of Siloam. I take that as a personal challenge.<br />I have less than six months, and I'm out of here. Where am I going? I don't really know or care to know that answer at the moment. So far, the only plan I can come up with is being a gypsy..but apparently that is not a legitimate answer when someone asks you what you're doing after graduation.<br /><br />However, I refuse to feel like a failure if what I do immediately after graduation isn't "big" by someone's standards. All I want to do is find people to love and go love them, and the rest just doesn't matter at this point. I find myself just so happy at random moments that have nothing to do with school or work; but are simply because of humans and how ridiculous we can be. We come up with hilariously creative ideas, funny words to describe things, we're nerds about topics we're interested in and call everyone else nerds for liking things we don't. We dance, we hug, we laugh, we make funny faces and act really awkward sometimes.<br /><br />For so long I chose to be discontent in anything and everything, now I can't imagine being that person, life wasn't fun at all back then; and to all of you who I've known over the years, I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of knowing you and find joy in who you were.<br /><br />You are beautiful.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-48501098003907202612010-10-27T20:56:00.003-05:002010-10-27T21:03:51.420-05:00There's a kid sitting beside me in the coffee shop. He's obviously an underclassman and he goes to the U of A. His friends are egging him on "Are you still a Christian like you were at the beginning of the semester?" You can see in his eyes he's cornered. He's insecure and he wants to make sure that his answers please those sitting beside him, waiting to judge his answers.<br /><br />"I don't want to be anything. I hate labels, and that's all Christianity is"<br /><br />His friends nod with approval. They are pleased, so he is pleased.<br /><br />Poor, lost boy.<br /><br />We are all poor, lost boys.<br /><br /><br />WHY do we feel like we have to hide and keep who we are, who and what we love a secret?<br /><br />SINCE WHEN is our identity based on two people who, in a few years, you won't remember their names?<br /><br />HOW can this be a way of life that's appealing to us? Always trying to measure up to every fickle human being around us?<br /><br />Why can't we just grow up? Stand on a rooftop and yell "THIS IS WHO I AM! Take it or leave it, but I love it because it was worth dying for".<br /><br />Who you are is beautiful. Who you are is on purpose. Own it.<br /><br />I'm praying for you, poor lost boy.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-52054061597288648172010-10-25T22:30:00.002-05:002010-10-25T22:53:21.399-05:00Dear Life:Please keep surprising me, it keeps me on my toes :)<br /><br />I look forward to the future more and more everyday, but with it...I feel as if I'm finally understanding what it feels like to just be. To rest in the ebb and flow of God working everyday in the most simple, uncomplicated, and quiet ways. Living in the moment is just as important as dreaming big dreams. It's easy for me to hate the present, and try to just push my way to the future (which I know is literally impossible...but I'm speaking figuratively here). So much good is going on all around me-beautiful fall weather, fantastic new friends. I'm letting myself feel things I've never been willing to feel before, and it's scary and wonderful and sometimes I'm struck breathless at just how good life is. Like when I'm laughing so hard I'm in tears because simple conversations get out of hand hilarious, or walking into a building where people take the time to let me know I am loved, or getting to dance and have little girls in the audience think I'm a fairy princess. The fact that I even have a high school diploma and am about to receive a college diploma, which is more than a lot of girls around the world get to have. So much of life is so good.<br /><br /><br />Sometimes, I feel awkward inhaling because I'm afraid my exhale is going to sound like a toddler's giggle.<br /><br />This is a beautiful life we get to live. Stop. Look around and love it for what it is right now.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-26806941849398464552010-10-19T09:45:00.003-05:002010-10-19T15:06:10.572-05:00<div>I have been neglecting blogging and journaling entirely for a while. Afraid that, if I write something, then I will be forced to think too much about too many things. But here I go again. I want to document this last year of school, because I think it’s going to be full of a lot of things-good, bad, every beautiful thing in between. Over the past year or so, I’ve been realizing that I don’t have to plan. Life is a collision of events, orchestrated by a God who is much more wise and powerful than I will ever be. Each collision happens to spur you to a place you would not have thought to go for yourself. I have dreams, I have goals. But mostly, I have faith to take each step, big or little, with what little strength I have, knowing that I am being carried.<br />This weekend, I went on an Unplugged retreat with a church I have been going to for a while. It would take post after post to explain the impact this church has had on me. But this retreat topped it all. I found a home. I heard from the Lord. I was emptied of all the crap that was taking over myself, and filled with joy and peace. But we did something that I never would have thought to do.<br /><a href="http://simplyswiss.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/12573400572x4wrc.jpg"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOOiDkoN2l1oSTaxvL8QYXq7urkNyF7L_cdC1g6CHMH0i3Nvf3tihQvRLXkgvRvj2rNoL3EWFKnNlw9GOTfnBfWEAtJzFR-TEZJVor-w5ehMfCyjMaJzZ0nceGexfB7xImoENujaiMdtrF/s1600/12573400572x4wrc%5B2%5D.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5529768773363223922" style="margin: 0px 10px 10px 0px; float: left; width: 320px; height: 240px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOOiDkoN2l1oSTaxvL8QYXq7urkNyF7L_cdC1g6CHMH0i3Nvf3tihQvRLXkgvRvj2rNoL3EWFKnNlw9GOTfnBfWEAtJzFR-TEZJVor-w5ehMfCyjMaJzZ0nceGexfB7xImoENujaiMdtrF/s320/12573400572x4wrc%5B2%5D.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />We took 2x4s across our shoulders and ran up a steep, curvy hill. It was symbolic of taking up our cross and dying to ourselves. To me, this has usually been an over glorified idea that leads to focusing on ourselves, but this was not the case. Since we were in the mountains of Arkansas, I couldn’t breath because of my allergies to pine trees, so I started out at a disadvantage. They said we could walk or run, but I wanted to feel the spirit push me physically as he’d been pushing me spiritually, so I took off running. I was tired and sweaty, sore and out of breath, my shoulders hurt and I could barely stand when I finished. But that’s nothing compared to what Christ experienced. The cross is not a pretty stained glass window. It’s not a silver charm on a chain hanging around someone’s neck. It’s dirty and sweaty and bloody. It’s a reminder of how it must be God’s will and not ours, even when we are begging him to take the cup from us. It’s a challenge for me to push myself for the sake of the Cross, and that’s a sad part about how I live. But something in me died last weekend so that I could actually remember what it feels to be alive again. And it is Christ carrying the ends of the beams, lifting the burden and keeping me from falling flat on my face.<br /></div><br /><div>Lead<br /></div><br /><div>me<br /></div><br /><div>to<br /></div><br /><div>the cross</div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-57442861134949636732010-09-02T22:37:00.002-05:002010-09-02T22:45:43.413-05:00.:Hello Senior Year:.After getting in touch with an alter ego for a whole summer and working grounds crew. I feel more balanced than ever heading back to school. For an entire summer, I got my hands dirty, working in the earth that I love so much. I did a lot of tasks by myself, so I had plenty (or maybe too much?) time to think about anything and every thing.<br /><br />I found I'm more of an introvert than I thought. And I found I'm okay with that.<br /><br />And so, I return to the familiar life of a student. The same teachers, same people, same schedule of class, work, homework, repeat. But the finish line is finally in sight. When I dream of things, they could actually happen soon-ish. Or maybe something will happen that is not at all what I dream of, but is what I actually need?<br /><br />I'm just ready to find that tribe...that group of people who are closer to you than brothers or sisters, that are ready and willing to live life right beside you and you are ready to live right beside them.<br /><br />Senior year, let's make it a good one.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-2407866310423467602010-05-08T02:00:00.003-05:002010-05-08T02:12:02.036-05:00.: Goodbye Junior Year :.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLl0mqiOp7zJHkuY-300v-N47SY8w8icZK44IrgG6Sd-e-_9ewl91DB2MM34V7B7Z9N6bUKPeTKFSN0ERIBB11by3xkd6CW4zvMlY4zLwpzyJmLZtU36Vyyj57vgwKfnDRBQ93DnuUG8DC/s1600/3826286669_2fdde637ce.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 268px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiLl0mqiOp7zJHkuY-300v-N47SY8w8icZK44IrgG6Sd-e-_9ewl91DB2MM34V7B7Z9N6bUKPeTKFSN0ERIBB11by3xkd6CW4zvMlY4zLwpzyJmLZtU36Vyyj57vgwKfnDRBQ93DnuUG8DC/s320/3826286669_2fdde637ce.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468793500182551218" border="0" /></a><br />This year was hard. There were a lot of lessons, a lot of lonliness and questions.<br />Anger.<br />Stress.<br />Heartbreak<br /><br /> and all more than once.<br /><br />There was good, too. Usually found in little, subtle moments. It ended well, which is the most important part.<br />That's what my piano teacher always told me.<br /> "Begin with a fury, end with a flourish, and forget what happens in the middle"<br /><br />I am glad that next year is my last here. and hopefully by this time next year I can put here all my grand plans.<br /><br />But for now I will tell you, the skies are beginning to look a bit more blue. I don't know if it's something you've done,<br /> Or something time is doing on it's own.<br /><br />Freedom, new page, I'm ready.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-19790384952979357222010-04-01T18:16:00.002-05:002010-04-01T18:18:23.850-05:00Sometimes this life overwhelms me. You think somethings over, when it's really only beginning. You think you've figured it out, but you've gotten it all wrong. Everything seems impossible, yet you do it and get through it anyway.<br /><br />We are lost, we are found, and we are dancing all the way through. And that's the beauty in this whole mess.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-6925368556800349362010-01-26T23:10:00.002-06:002010-01-26T23:18:34.795-06:00Hello old friend.It's been a while since I've written here. But times of complete unmotivation to do homework call for posts :)<br /><br />Something happened to me over the break. It's like a switch that's been flipped over and over, but there's a shortage or (in my case) a broken light bulb that just won't come on. Over break, the Lord used my family to heal me. Since May, all the little pieces of my world have fallen apart, leaving me bitter and broken-hearted, and during the break, I basked in the fact that, unlike others who have hurt me, my family loves me (even when I'm weird). There's nothing for the soul like unconditional love from a human. We get it from God, but sometimes he has to communicate it through tangible beings.<br /><br />I see now that all the things that have happened were not some dirty trick to make me feel forgotten and alone, but a rescuing of sort. Now, I have no one to dictate to me who I am. All I have left is my family and my God. And I'm to become who I am to become, regardless of what everyone or any one says.<br /><br />My heart still hearts, and I still feel forgotten at times, but I'm learning.<br /><br />I guess I'm growing up...haha. yeah right.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-39219536407445568442009-11-03T00:36:00.002-06:002009-11-03T00:42:36.644-06:00Today, a little boy at the high school killed himself. Suicide will always mess with my head and my heart. How do you explain to the little girl that broke up with him that it's not her fault? How do you help his parents see that they did they best they could? How can you blame this boy?<div><br /></div><div>You can't. all you can do is be there. Be there with his family and friends. Be here before the Lord. Anne Lamott described it as building a barn: "We, their friends, all know the rains and the wind will come, and they will be cold–oh, God, will they be cold. But then we will come too, I said; we will have been building this barn all along, and so there will always be shelter."</div><div><br /></div><div>We all need shelter. We all need to be shelter. </div><div><br /></div><div>My boots are so heavy today. </div>just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-49753625239846357212009-10-22T19:28:00.002-05:002009-10-22T19:30:54.001-05:00Sometimes, I make myself sick. <br />When I read of revolutionaries and think of how I spent my day, I am achieving nothing. I have made no great sacrifice for humanity, I do not scream out for justice on the streets, I want to...every bone in this body wants to run and do something that changes something around me...but at the end of the day, I'm too tired and have too much homework.<br /><br />May of 2011...sometimes you are just too far away.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-47407737148358720012009-09-10T16:38:00.003-05:002009-09-10T16:41:35.848-05:00There is life inside these bones.<br />I just need to find it<br />revive it<br />set it on fire, so I burn, so it's real.<br />I just need to become, and stay.<br />awakejust jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-56999509911729416562009-08-21T16:03:00.001-05:002009-08-21T16:04:23.252-05:00I think I take life too seriously.<br /><br />Scratch that.<br /><br />I know I do.<br /><br />This is going to change.<br /><br />Starting....<br /><br /><br /><br />Now.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-55115775507233336752009-08-16T21:25:00.001-05:002009-08-16T21:29:26.432-05:00Different Spell, Old Magic<br /><br />Impressive<br /><br />sense of place<br />struggling where the past seems a lot better than the present or future<br /><br />thoughtful on departure<br />driven by an unattainable dream of happiness<br /><br />Something<br /><br />despite longing, exiled<br /><br />dreaming of a finer future<br /><br />dismissed into two categories: can't or wouldn't have<br /><br />open<br />ashes. scatter them<br />a former life has gone<br />unraveled<br />but remains haunted by them and bitter failures<br /><br />return for another<br /><br />In life, characters you care about,<br />despite or because of their flaws<br />sympathetic<br />likeable<br /><br />on the surface, hilarious<br /><br />questions, complications<br />we build for ourselves.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-42676637386770057022009-08-03T13:45:00.002-05:002009-08-03T13:54:55.339-05:00I am back in Arkansas. I don't really know what to say about this fact. I am with my family, so I am "home", but I am not home. There's so much in my head. So much in my heart. I'm not who I was, and I'm not quite sure who I'll be.<br /><br />But I know which path I want to go on, and I think that one day, your path will meet mine again.<br /><br />I'm afraid that I'll lose sight of the path in the midst of the day-to-day, but I trust I will be reminded of the journey I'm on.<br /><br />I just don't want to lose the pieces of myself I caught this summer.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-9968708965448624982009-07-28T03:48:00.002-05:002009-07-28T03:49:42.970-05:00How can a heart be broken and full at the same time?<br />How is it that, just when you think you can't feel or think anymore, something else begins to consume space you didn't think you had.<br /><br />I wish I would just know. I wish you would too.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5973861217731728157.post-48805592284856096072009-06-29T15:10:00.002-05:002009-06-29T15:19:11.912-05:00Today I went for a run by the river. There was an old couple who was just sitting there on a bench...watching the water slowly pass by them. They were still there when I came back that way, still sitting, enjoying their surroundings and each other.<br /><br />When I am old, I want to have lived a life so full that I have nothing better to do than sit by the river with the man who I have lived that life with, reminiscing about our adventures and looking forward to the next ones.just jessicahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09791018537114073024noreply@blogger.com1