Tuesday, March 22, 2011

It's been since Christmas since I've touched this thing.
My oh my how my life has changed. Over the course of those few months, and the changes are just beginning.

My pride has been broken. I'm feeling it as I learn to die to myself and follow a path much bigger and better than me. But not bigger and better in the world's idea, in fact. Some would look and say I'm settling for something much smaller, but I don't hear them anymore.

My dear spiritual mother said that, when we are patient to follow the will of God, the blessings will not stop. And I'm finding her words to be true. I'm blessed in love, from a man and from my consistently wonderful friends. I'm blessed in school, somehow everything is getting done so I can get out. I'm blessed with dreams given by God. and I cannot wait to see what happens after May 7th.

Over the past few months, here is what I've learned:
1. It's more than okay to be slightly wild.
I'm allowed to thrive off of extreme joy in the small. I can dance when I hear a song I love and sing to it at the top of my lungs if I want. I can run through fields. Laugh a childlike full-belly laugh whenever I want. I can be moved to tears by good art. I can take time to show the person standing in front of me that they mean the world to me. Why? Because all of these are but samples of just how much God loves me.

2. Open Up
The past three months of opening up to allow someone in is the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I am one with a lot of walls, and James has had to fight to tear them down. But the result of being known as well as I am, as scary as it is. Has changed me. I'm willing to take the time to be known by others...not to the same extent, but still known. I want to open up to more people because I want them to know the same unconditional love, acceptance, and understanding I know.

3. You choose who you want to be.
There comes a point of release. Whatever everyone is saying about how you should be, where you should go, what you should do. You get to choose whether it matters or not. You get to follow their suggestions or declare yourself free and run straight into who you were created to be.

There's so many more.

Here is the lesson I want to learn, I found this on a blog I follow:

"If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, stop immediately. If you think maybe you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure, stop immediately. The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart. If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it"

After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.