Sunday, December 21, 2008

(this is my remake of a scene from the movie "Waking Life")

I find myself in such a search for genuine human interaction, I am almost out of breath. I want to hear the story of the lady who gave me my change. I want to know why the man I just gave change to looks so sad. Why are we so afraid to be human?

Our souls were created to connect in magnificent and powerful ways. When they do, we are supposed to become vulnerable, that's how we learn to love. That vulnerability is sometimes met with acceptance and understanding, and that is how we know that, for whatever reasons, we were meant to meet that person. Sometimes, our vulnerability is simply laughed at and tossed aside, leaving us with smiles so empty and a simple, "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

I must admit that I beg people to be vulnerable with me. I thrive off of hearing stories and feeling with other humans. But, I am not good at exposing my own vulnerability. I am trying desperately to break out of this "Ice Queen" shell I've built for myself. Recently, I've felt the urgency of my need to be human. I can't ask others to show me their souls when I will hardly even speak what's on my mind.

I want to be real because I don't want to lose you...any of you.

I don't want to be an ant, you know?

Monday, December 8, 2008

I want to be my own, intelligent person. And in order to do that, I accept certain things about myself.
I accept that I am terrified of the love that "The Prophet" speaks of in my previous post. No one has ever shown it to me, but the idea bothers me. So, maybe I am not terrified as much as I am skeptical of it.
I accept the fact that, as I am growing into myself, I will not please my family or the old ladies at church. Maybe I won't please any one but myself, but I accept that too.

But, whether I please you or not--whether I receive your love or laugh at it in cynicism, reject or run away from it, I really do love you. Please accept that and remember it.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Meditation on Love

"When love beckons you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you until you are pliant; and they you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.
When you love, you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has not other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love, and to be bled willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving, to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecxtasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."
__Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Every second of everyday, I grow into a different person. I am constantly bombarded with new, and so I become. I hear new thoughts, see new things, meet new people. I learn from all these things, they add and take away from me, leaving me completely altered.

I am always changing, becoming new, becoming someone else. That is why you will never truly love me. Why, though you think so now, you will not love me tomorrow.

It is also why I can't promise that I will love you tomorrow. It's why I can't go, do, or really even think beyond this very moment.

That is why I cannot commit to any of this.

Monday, September 29, 2008

A poem by Joshua and Jessica

Last night, a strange fire burnt all the worlds money.
Today we had nothing responsible to do. We just spent the day up in the trees playing music and resting in its echoes.
We were all our favorite animals.
We all died and didn't mind because it seemed that the time was right.
We were no longer just two lonely people. The ocean let us through, and we were free to roam together as we pleased.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Be Brave, Be Brave #1

Step #1: learn to apologize

I have become too busy for people.
Old and new friends, I seem to think that I have no time for them.
This is not how I want to be, but sometimes I just do this.

I'm sorry. 

Saturday, August 23, 2008

spostati di vento. in silenzio.

I am moving by wind. In Silence.
You can't catch me (not that you really want to), and I can't catch myself either.
I do not see the path, I simply am moved. Moved to dance and lay in the grass, moved to sit under a bridge, moved to tears, moved to love and laugh and cry.

The wind picks me up and I go. I go and I'm sorry.
It is not fear, but wind--wonderlust--that takes me.
Even when my body stays around, at least my mind goes where the wind wants to take the rest of me.

But you don't notice because it is in silence and with silence that I am dancing.
You just wake up and I'm not there.

This wind, this silence invites you to come, but you are too busy to listen and to dance.
I wonder about where I'll end up too much.
Mostly I just want to know if you're going to come too.

It will be our silent, fantastic adventure.

Monday, August 18, 2008

say cheese

I have never been afraid for a friends life as much as I am for my friend whom I mentioned in my previous blog. There is a long, long story, but I wish I could just be there to hold him until it all passed. I think that friends' arms make the best escapes. 
Tomorrow, I move into my dorm. I am moving in early to help out with freshman orientation. To be honest, I am feeling like a freshman myself.

The truth is that I'm close to terrified. There are too many new, uncertain things this year. My best college friend is not coming back. Which means that all the adventures we were going to have aren't going to happen. 

The most terrifying part is that I am not the same person I was even in May. I do not know if this new person that is myself will fit in to JBU. I just don't know.

Siloam is a hard place to live in sometimes. I have made a few new friends this summer, and they have made it better, but it is still hard. Maybe I am just determined to be discontent. I was talking to one of my summer friends about how it is either laugh or cry.

I guess I'm just choosing to smile through my tears.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep" ~Henry David Thoreau

I use too many mechanical aids. And I am never asleep. 
I do not sleep because too many things pop into my head. Faces (real and made up), witty one-liners. sad things, conversations, things I want to do, things I can't do, things I need to do. 

And then I get a drunk call from my best friend. It is funny how long we can talk while he's intoxicated. He tells me funny stories and then he says that he loves me. He says I'm pretty and that one day I will make someone very happy...I find this funny because his reason for telling me this is that I go to JBU. He says I wouldn't hear it much there...Christians are stingy with their compliments. I love my best friend and am glad he only lives an hour away. 

I do NOT love that I can not sleep.  I wish I had someone here to talk to me until I fall asleep...not in the desperate kind of way but in the "you're not alone" kind. 

I think that my organs are professional mind races, my heart dances, and my stomach does gymnastics. They do this without my permission and leave me (who is not a professional athlete by any stretch) exhausted but sleepless.

What's funny is that you're sleeping soundly because you do not know. You do not know or you do not care, either way is okay with me. 

I wish I didn't have a sleeping family so that I could make a little bit of noise.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008


I had a dream that I was an exciting and productive person.

It was just a dream...I am neither.

I spend my time sitting at railroad tracks, under bridges, in hidden spots outside thinking. That, or working. I am lame.