Sunday, December 21, 2008

video
(this is my remake of a scene from the movie "Waking Life")

I find myself in such a search for genuine human interaction, I am almost out of breath. I want to hear the story of the lady who gave me my change. I want to know why the man I just gave change to looks so sad. Why are we so afraid to be human?

Our souls were created to connect in magnificent and powerful ways. When they do, we are supposed to become vulnerable, that's how we learn to love. That vulnerability is sometimes met with acceptance and understanding, and that is how we know that, for whatever reasons, we were meant to meet that person. Sometimes, our vulnerability is simply laughed at and tossed aside, leaving us with smiles so empty and a simple, "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

I must admit that I beg people to be vulnerable with me. I thrive off of hearing stories and feeling with other humans. But, I am not good at exposing my own vulnerability. I am trying desperately to break out of this "Ice Queen" shell I've built for myself. Recently, I've felt the urgency of my need to be human. I can't ask others to show me their souls when I will hardly even speak what's on my mind.

I want to be real because I don't want to lose you...any of you.

I don't want to be an ant, you know?

Monday, December 8, 2008

I want to be my own, intelligent person. And in order to do that, I accept certain things about myself.
I accept that I am terrified of the love that "The Prophet" speaks of in my previous post. No one has ever shown it to me, but the idea bothers me. So, maybe I am not terrified as much as I am skeptical of it.
I accept the fact that, as I am growing into myself, I will not please my family or the old ladies at church. Maybe I won't please any one but myself, but I accept that too.

But, whether I please you or not--whether I receive your love or laugh at it in cynicism, reject or run away from it, I really do love you. Please accept that and remember it.