Sometimes loving people means saying nothing to them at all.

2009 has the potential to be a good year, simply because every day in it has potential to be a good day. I don't make resolutions every year, because I don't think that time can be separated so distinctly. I have goals, but they are life goals, I don't want to limit myself to only improving or doing so many things in 12 months, or to say that I must accomplish something in 12 or I am a failure. Some things take a long longer than 12 months to do. If we stopped worrying about making a resolution to loose 10 pounds in 12 months, and just started focusing on living like a better person today--seizing every moment and learning every lesson we can--we could do a lot more good for this world.

I am not saying that I know a lot about doing a lot of good for the world, I don't do much good for it, actually. I just wanted to clear that up.

I just want to focus on being a better human this day, and I'll take the next when it comes.

(this is my remake of a scene from the movie "Waking Life")

I find myself in such a search for genuine human interaction, I am almost out of breath. I want to hear the story of the lady who gave me my change. I want to know why the man I just gave change to looks so sad. Why are we so afraid to be human?

Our souls were created to connect in magnificent and powerful ways. When they do, we are supposed to become vulnerable, that's how we learn to love. That vulnerability is sometimes met with acceptance and understanding, and that is how we know that, for whatever reasons, we were meant to meet that person. Sometimes, our vulnerability is simply laughed at and tossed aside, leaving us with smiles so empty and a simple, "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

I must admit that I beg people to be vulnerable with me. I thrive off of hearing stories and feeling with other humans. But, I am not good at exposing my own vulnerability. I am trying desperately to break out of this "Ice Queen" shell I've built for myself. Recently, I've felt the urgency of my need to be human. I can't ask others to show me their souls when I will hardly even speak what's on my mind.

I want to be real because I don't want to lose you...any of you.

I don't want to be an ant, you know?

I want to be my own, intelligent person. And in order to do that, I accept certain things about myself.
I accept that I am terrified of the love that "The Prophet" speaks of in my previous post. No one has ever shown it to me, but the idea bothers me. So, maybe I am not terrified as much as I am skeptical of it.
I accept the fact that, as I am growing into myself, I will not please my family or the old ladies at church. Maybe I won't please any one but myself, but I accept that too.

But, whether I please you or not--whether I receive your love or laugh at it in cynicism, reject or run away from it, I really do love you. Please accept that and remember it.

Meditation on Love

"When love beckons you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you until you are pliant; and they you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.
When you love, you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has not other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love, and to be bled willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving, to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecxtasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."
__Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

Every second of everyday, I grow into a different person. I am constantly bombarded with new, and so I become. I hear new thoughts, see new things, meet new people. I learn from all these things, they add and take away from me, leaving me completely altered.

I am always changing, becoming new, becoming someone else. That is why you will never truly love me. Why, though you think so now, you will not love me tomorrow.

It is also why I can't promise that I will love you tomorrow. It's why I can't go, do, or really even think beyond this very moment.

That is why I cannot commit to any of this.

A poem by Joshua and Jessica

Last night, a strange fire burnt all the worlds money.

Today we had nothing responsible to do. We just spent the day up in the trees playing music and resting in its echoes.

We were all our favorite animals.

We all died and didn't mind because it seemed that the time was right.

We were no longer just two lonely people. The ocean let us through, and we were free to roam together as we pleased.