I will always be a mess. Always.

But I'm willing to let go of whatever mess I'm simply holding in my hands, my vice gripped fists.

To let go of worries, of demons and ghosts. of scars.

To let it all go to where it's just me and you. two messes just trying to make it.

Where it's just love. Perfect love that casts out fear. But it casts out a lot more than that.

It casts out expectations. timelines. other voices.

And in the place of those things, it brings in contentment. peace. laughter and I love you's.

Because I really do. And that's why I'll open my hands.

I am thankful.

Thankful for the broken pieces of myself that forced me back to being that little girl on the floor, crying out to her Father to help.

Thankful for that feeling. that moment. when all of the sudden, you know you're a changed person. and you can't help but celebrate the work of your Savior.

Thankful for the other moment. The one where you realize your life is nothing like you planned. But more fulfilling and more beautiful than what you had wanted for yourself.

Thankful for two strong arms that connect to a strong and wonderful man, that I fit perfectly in when they wrap themselves around me.

Thankful for that strong and wonderful man. and the laughter that sums up our relationship. Joy.

Thankful for a family who helps me pretend like I'm independent. but is there when I realize I'm still a kid.

Thankful for a job that allows me to do what I'm good at, while learning completely new things at the same time.

Thankful for dance. for art. for music.

Thankful for time to sit and be thankful.

Gosh. My life is just so so good.

:After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.:

I said this the last time I posted. And guess what? I did it. I sat down, and...for the first time since high school...I took a deep breath. I sat with my family and gave them my undivided attention, I began dreaming about making things, doing things, slowing down and simplifying. And then, I realized that I didn't have the time.

So. I quit. and it was the best decision I've ever made. I became so busy with church, I didn't have time for God, or for feeding my soul. I was so busy "ministering" I forgot how to spend genuine time with people and just be their friend. I can't remember the last time I picked up my instruments and played music or drew a picture just because I loved it. I could only fit in dance, the best thing I have done for myself, once a week-if that.

So what do I do now? Live. I have time and energy to pour love in to my relationship with James. To be intentional about learning how to live a life beside someone. I get to love and thrive in my job, which is an incredible feeling. I'm not too tired to create or to dance.

I can finally be. healthy.

:"I do believe in simplicity. It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run. " -Henry David Thoreau:

My roots run in passion. Passion for life. for joy in the simplest of the everyday...which I can only do if life becomes more than just a blur passing by me. Passion for people. loving them, working towards justice and equality...which I can only do if I have time for actual people.

This is my new motivation.

:"All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe.":

Me? I'll be dancing. You may join me if you like.

It's been since Christmas since I've touched this thing.
My oh my how my life has changed. Over the course of those few months, and the changes are just beginning.

My pride has been broken. I'm feeling it as I learn to die to myself and follow a path much bigger and better than me. But not bigger and better in the world's idea, in fact. Some would look and say I'm settling for something much smaller, but I don't hear them anymore.

My dear spiritual mother said that, when we are patient to follow the will of God, the blessings will not stop. And I'm finding her words to be true. I'm blessed in love, from a man and from my consistently wonderful friends. I'm blessed in school, somehow everything is getting done so I can get out. I'm blessed with dreams given by God. and I cannot wait to see what happens after May 7th.

Over the past few months, here is what I've learned:
1. It's more than okay to be slightly wild.
I'm allowed to thrive off of extreme joy in the small. I can dance when I hear a song I love and sing to it at the top of my lungs if I want. I can run through fields. Laugh a childlike full-belly laugh whenever I want. I can be moved to tears by good art. I can take time to show the person standing in front of me that they mean the world to me. Why? Because all of these are but samples of just how much God loves me.

2. Open Up
The past three months of opening up to allow someone in is the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I am one with a lot of walls, and James has had to fight to tear them down. But the result of being known as well as I am, as scary as it is. Has changed me. I'm willing to take the time to be known by others...not to the same extent, but still known. I want to open up to more people because I want them to know the same unconditional love, acceptance, and understanding I know.

3. You choose who you want to be.
There comes a point of release. Whatever everyone is saying about how you should be, where you should go, what you should do. You get to choose whether it matters or not. You get to follow their suggestions or declare yourself free and run straight into who you were created to be.


There's so many more.

Here is the lesson I want to learn, I found this on a blog I follow:

"If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, stop immediately. If you think maybe you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure, stop immediately. The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart. If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it"

After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.

‎.:Truly He taught us to love one another:.

‎"Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His Gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother, and in His Name all oppression shall cease."

I'm not going to lie, Christmas music drives me crazy. But these lines alone are so powerful, I can't get them out of my head. This is not a "don't buy anything for Christmas" or a "you should feel guilty about all the presents you got, you selfish Americans" post. This is a post of celebration!

Christmas, not December 25th (because December 25th is just another day), but the actual coming of perfect, holy Jesus to come sit with, love, and die for all of us messed up people, is just the beginning of a truth and a powerful celebration that should follow us every day. He came to show there is one gift we all want. One gift we all desperately need-freedom. Freedom from ourselves, freedom from our oppression, freedom from being the oppressors. Freedom from everything and everyone that tells us to stay put, we're powerless and no good can come from us. That is wrong, and that is slavery.

Jesus came to bring us jubilee! He not only broke our chains by dying on the cross, but he gave us the power and the call to break chains for others in his name. Through him, we have a love that surpasses all understanding. Through him, we can look at someone and demand that all spiritual oppression end. Because of Jesus, we have the vision of a better world where there is no slavery, no wars, just love and justice because that is what makes up who HE is. And we have the Scriptures to help us know how to begin to bring that kingdom to this world until he comes and brings it to its fulfillment.

So, beginning today, Christmas day. Let's run through the streets, proclaiming justice, breaking free, breaking chains. Loving so much it hurts us, yelling jubilee until our throats are raw. Anyone who tells us we can't change the world is right, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, you can change little parts of the world. You can do all he has equipped you to do, and that is more than enough.

What have we got to lose?

Linus is right

I won't let commercialism ruin my Christmas

Thanksgiving

Why does Thanksgiving end as soon as you wash the dishes? As soon as we fall into the food coma, we wake up and have moved straight on to the holiday where we get to make a list of all the things we wish we had, and forget about what we are thankful for.

Okay, now that that is out of the way...

Someone said the other day that they didn't think I'd ever get out of Siloam. I take that as a personal challenge.
I have less than six months, and I'm out of here. Where am I going? I don't really know or care to know that answer at the moment. So far, the only plan I can come up with is being a gypsy..but apparently that is not a legitimate answer when someone asks you what you're doing after graduation.

However, I refuse to feel like a failure if what I do immediately after graduation isn't "big" by someone's standards. All I want to do is find people to love and go love them, and the rest just doesn't matter at this point. I find myself just so happy at random moments that have nothing to do with school or work; but are simply because of humans and how ridiculous we can be. We come up with hilariously creative ideas, funny words to describe things, we're nerds about topics we're interested in and call everyone else nerds for liking things we don't. We dance, we hug, we laugh, we make funny faces and act really awkward sometimes.

For so long I chose to be discontent in anything and everything, now I can't imagine being that person, life wasn't fun at all back then; and to all of you who I've known over the years, I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of knowing you and find joy in who you were.

You are beautiful.