.:Hello Senior Year:.

After getting in touch with an alter ego for a whole summer and working grounds crew. I feel more balanced than ever heading back to school. For an entire summer, I got my hands dirty, working in the earth that I love so much. I did a lot of tasks by myself, so I had plenty (or maybe too much?) time to think about anything and every thing.

I found I'm more of an introvert than I thought. And I found I'm okay with that.

And so, I return to the familiar life of a student. The same teachers, same people, same schedule of class, work, homework, repeat. But the finish line is finally in sight. When I dream of things, they could actually happen soon-ish. Or maybe something will happen that is not at all what I dream of, but is what I actually need?

I'm just ready to find that tribe...that group of people who are closer to you than brothers or sisters, that are ready and willing to live life right beside you and you are ready to live right beside them.

Senior year, let's make it a good one.

.: Goodbye Junior Year :.

This year was hard. There were a lot of lessons, a lot of lonliness and questions.
Anger.
Stress.
Heartbreak

and all more than once.

There was good, too. Usually found in little, subtle moments. It ended well, which is the most important part.
That's what my piano teacher always told me.
"Begin with a fury, end with a flourish, and forget what happens in the middle"

I am glad that next year is my last here. and hopefully by this time next year I can put here all my grand plans.

But for now I will tell you, the skies are beginning to look a bit more blue. I don't know if it's something you've done,
Or something time is doing on it's own.

Freedom, new page, I'm ready.

Sometimes this life overwhelms me. You think somethings over, when it's really only beginning. You think you've figured it out, but you've gotten it all wrong. Everything seems impossible, yet you do it and get through it anyway.

We are lost, we are found, and we are dancing all the way through. And that's the beauty in this whole mess.

Hello old friend.

It's been a while since I've written here. But times of complete unmotivation to do homework call for posts :)

Something happened to me over the break. It's like a switch that's been flipped over and over, but there's a shortage or (in my case) a broken light bulb that just won't come on. Over break, the Lord used my family to heal me. Since May, all the little pieces of my world have fallen apart, leaving me bitter and broken-hearted, and during the break, I basked in the fact that, unlike others who have hurt me, my family loves me (even when I'm weird). There's nothing for the soul like unconditional love from a human. We get it from God, but sometimes he has to communicate it through tangible beings.

I see now that all the things that have happened were not some dirty trick to make me feel forgotten and alone, but a rescuing of sort. Now, I have no one to dictate to me who I am. All I have left is my family and my God. And I'm to become who I am to become, regardless of what everyone or any one says.

My heart still hearts, and I still feel forgotten at times, but I'm learning.

I guess I'm growing up...haha. yeah right.

Today, a little boy at the high school killed himself. Suicide will always mess with my head and my heart. How do you explain to the little girl that broke up with him that it's not her fault? How do you help his parents see that they did they best they could? How can you blame this boy?

You can't. all you can do is be there. Be there with his family and friends. Be here before the Lord. Anne Lamott described it as building a barn:  "We, their friends, all know the rains and the wind will come, and they will be cold–oh, God, will they be cold. But then we will come too, I said; we will have been building this barn all along, and so there will always be shelter."

We all need shelter. We all need to be shelter. 

My boots are so heavy today. 

Sometimes, I make myself sick.
When I read of revolutionaries and think of how I spent my day, I am achieving nothing. I have made no great sacrifice for humanity, I do not scream out for justice on the streets, I want to...every bone in this body wants to run and do something that changes something around me...but at the end of the day, I'm too tired and have too much homework.

May of 2011...sometimes you are just too far away.

There is life inside these bones.
I just need to find it
revive it
set it on fire, so I burn, so it's real.
I just need to become, and stay.
awake