I'm growing older, at peace where I'm at.
I wish you could be here for that.

Oh how the mind jumps in the early hours...

It is 3 in the morning, I can't sleep.
I just got off the phone with my beautiful friend Daniel. We understand each other even though it seems like we shouldn't get the other one at all, I think that's why we are so good for each other.

I wonder what it is that made you give up on me?

Life is still good, don't think I am unstable...I am just a human who doesn't quite understand things.

I am missing some old friends more than ever right now, and I wonder what they are doing.
Life is beautiful, and this is a beautiful time for me. I am learning to exist fully on my own I suppose.

I want to create something...something big and meaningful...even if it only means something to me.

I intent to spend the month of May in fields and trees and homes of loved ones, seeing and creating and loving everything around me before I leave the country for the rest of the summer. I am going to Prague, a place I have never been, without anyone I know...and that excites me more than I can say.

You are beautiful

I have four weeks until the end of the school year.
I have eight weeks until I embark on a fantastic adventure.
I can do this.

Life is good...life is so good.

I am free.
Free to love.
Free to be brave.
Free to speak how I feel.
Free to not speak at all.
Free to come and go as I please.


I am free.

Neverland

"To live would be an awfully big adventure."
Peter Pan, you silly boy, this isn't done in Neverland. Life an adventure when you're allowed to grow up.
It's an adventurous thought that, from here on out, every decision I make--not just about what I do, but about who I am and who I am going to be--will impact the existence I will have as a "grown up". This existence will be one of my own creating, no other human authority will dictate so much of what my life will be like.
I have so many options in front of me. Will it be Spain, Germany, Africa, or Siloam for the summer? Will you be a part of my life? Will I be a part of yours? What great strangers are going to come in and out of my life?

Life is an awfully big adventure, scary, but grand nonetheless.

"...Am I really what others say about me? Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, yearning and sick, like a bird in its cage,
Struggling for the breath of life, as though someone were choking my throat
Hungering for colors, for flowers, for the songs of birds,
Thirsting for kind words and human closeness,
Shaking with anger at capricious tyranny and the pettiest slurs,
Bedeviled by anxiety, awaiting great events that might never occur, fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away.
Weary and empty in prayer, in thinking, in doing.
Weak, and ready to take leave of it all.

Who am I? This man or that other? Am I then this man today and tomorrow another? Am I both all at once?
An imposter to others, but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army, that flees in disorder before a battle already won?

Who am I?
They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, you know me, O God. You know I am yours."

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer.


I don't know who I am. But that bird in its cage seems pretty familiar.

Sometimes loving people means saying nothing to them at all.