I am free.
Free to love.
Free to be brave.
Free to speak how I feel.
Free to not speak at all.
Free to come and go as I please.


I am free.

Neverland

"To live would be an awfully big adventure."
Peter Pan, you silly boy, this isn't done in Neverland. Life an adventure when you're allowed to grow up.
It's an adventurous thought that, from here on out, every decision I make--not just about what I do, but about who I am and who I am going to be--will impact the existence I will have as a "grown up". This existence will be one of my own creating, no other human authority will dictate so much of what my life will be like.
I have so many options in front of me. Will it be Spain, Germany, Africa, or Siloam for the summer? Will you be a part of my life? Will I be a part of yours? What great strangers are going to come in and out of my life?

Life is an awfully big adventure, scary, but grand nonetheless.

"...Am I really what others say about me? Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, yearning and sick, like a bird in its cage,
Struggling for the breath of life, as though someone were choking my throat
Hungering for colors, for flowers, for the songs of birds,
Thirsting for kind words and human closeness,
Shaking with anger at capricious tyranny and the pettiest slurs,
Bedeviled by anxiety, awaiting great events that might never occur, fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away.
Weary and empty in prayer, in thinking, in doing.
Weak, and ready to take leave of it all.

Who am I? This man or that other? Am I then this man today and tomorrow another? Am I both all at once?
An imposter to others, but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army, that flees in disorder before a battle already won?

Who am I?
They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, you know me, O God. You know I am yours."

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer.


I don't know who I am. But that bird in its cage seems pretty familiar.

Sometimes loving people means saying nothing to them at all.

2009 has the potential to be a good year, simply because every day in it has potential to be a good day. I don't make resolutions every year, because I don't think that time can be separated so distinctly. I have goals, but they are life goals, I don't want to limit myself to only improving or doing so many things in 12 months, or to say that I must accomplish something in 12 or I am a failure. Some things take a long longer than 12 months to do. If we stopped worrying about making a resolution to loose 10 pounds in 12 months, and just started focusing on living like a better person today--seizing every moment and learning every lesson we can--we could do a lot more good for this world.

I am not saying that I know a lot about doing a lot of good for the world, I don't do much good for it, actually. I just wanted to clear that up.

I just want to focus on being a better human this day, and I'll take the next when it comes.

(this is my remake of a scene from the movie "Waking Life")

I find myself in such a search for genuine human interaction, I am almost out of breath. I want to hear the story of the lady who gave me my change. I want to know why the man I just gave change to looks so sad. Why are we so afraid to be human?

Our souls were created to connect in magnificent and powerful ways. When they do, we are supposed to become vulnerable, that's how we learn to love. That vulnerability is sometimes met with acceptance and understanding, and that is how we know that, for whatever reasons, we were meant to meet that person. Sometimes, our vulnerability is simply laughed at and tossed aside, leaving us with smiles so empty and a simple, "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

I must admit that I beg people to be vulnerable with me. I thrive off of hearing stories and feeling with other humans. But, I am not good at exposing my own vulnerability. I am trying desperately to break out of this "Ice Queen" shell I've built for myself. Recently, I've felt the urgency of my need to be human. I can't ask others to show me their souls when I will hardly even speak what's on my mind.

I want to be real because I don't want to lose you...any of you.

I don't want to be an ant, you know?

I want to be my own, intelligent person. And in order to do that, I accept certain things about myself.
I accept that I am terrified of the love that "The Prophet" speaks of in my previous post. No one has ever shown it to me, but the idea bothers me. So, maybe I am not terrified as much as I am skeptical of it.
I accept the fact that, as I am growing into myself, I will not please my family or the old ladies at church. Maybe I won't please any one but myself, but I accept that too.

But, whether I please you or not--whether I receive your love or laugh at it in cynicism, reject or run away from it, I really do love you. Please accept that and remember it.