Hello old friend.

It's been a while since I've written here. But times of complete unmotivation to do homework call for posts :)

Something happened to me over the break. It's like a switch that's been flipped over and over, but there's a shortage or (in my case) a broken light bulb that just won't come on. Over break, the Lord used my family to heal me. Since May, all the little pieces of my world have fallen apart, leaving me bitter and broken-hearted, and during the break, I basked in the fact that, unlike others who have hurt me, my family loves me (even when I'm weird). There's nothing for the soul like unconditional love from a human. We get it from God, but sometimes he has to communicate it through tangible beings.

I see now that all the things that have happened were not some dirty trick to make me feel forgotten and alone, but a rescuing of sort. Now, I have no one to dictate to me who I am. All I have left is my family and my God. And I'm to become who I am to become, regardless of what everyone or any one says.

My heart still hearts, and I still feel forgotten at times, but I'm learning.

I guess I'm growing up...haha. yeah right.

Today, a little boy at the high school killed himself. Suicide will always mess with my head and my heart. How do you explain to the little girl that broke up with him that it's not her fault? How do you help his parents see that they did they best they could? How can you blame this boy?

You can't. all you can do is be there. Be there with his family and friends. Be here before the Lord. Anne Lamott described it as building a barn:  "We, their friends, all know the rains and the wind will come, and they will be cold–oh, God, will they be cold. But then we will come too, I said; we will have been building this barn all along, and so there will always be shelter."

We all need shelter. We all need to be shelter. 

My boots are so heavy today. 

Sometimes, I make myself sick.
When I read of revolutionaries and think of how I spent my day, I am achieving nothing. I have made no great sacrifice for humanity, I do not scream out for justice on the streets, I want to...every bone in this body wants to run and do something that changes something around me...but at the end of the day, I'm too tired and have too much homework.

May of 2011...sometimes you are just too far away.

There is life inside these bones.
I just need to find it
revive it
set it on fire, so I burn, so it's real.
I just need to become, and stay.
awake

I think I take life too seriously.

Scratch that.

I know I do.

This is going to change.

Starting....



Now.

Different Spell, Old Magic

Impressive

sense of place
struggling where the past seems a lot better than the present or future

thoughtful on departure
driven by an unattainable dream of happiness

Something

despite longing, exiled

dreaming of a finer future

dismissed into two categories: can't or wouldn't have

open
ashes. scatter them
a former life has gone
unraveled
but remains haunted by them and bitter failures

return for another

In life, characters you care about,
despite or because of their flaws
sympathetic
likeable

on the surface, hilarious

questions, complications
we build for ourselves.

I am back in Arkansas. I don't really know what to say about this fact. I am with my family, so I am "home", but I am not home. There's so much in my head. So much in my heart. I'm not who I was, and I'm not quite sure who I'll be.

But I know which path I want to go on, and I think that one day, your path will meet mine again.

I'm afraid that I'll lose sight of the path in the midst of the day-to-day, but I trust I will be reminded of the journey I'm on.

I just don't want to lose the pieces of myself I caught this summer.