I have nothing to offer except my own confusion

A "New Year's Eve" post of sorts

2011-12-30T16:47:00.010-06:00

This is what I got for Christmas from James. And this was one of the most moving presents I've gotten. Why? because it was given to me so that I could keep myself open and creative as an artist. It's so hard when your profession is in the arts to continue in your personal art growth. It's easy to just create what makes your boss or your audience happy from 8-5 and then not create afterward because your just too tired, or too busy, or whatever other excuse you can come up with.
This is also moving because this is the second time in a month that he has more or less unwittingly supported what I have been feeling that I need to do. And here's what I need to do:

BE DILIGENT

This is not the same as being structured, or militant, this is doing what you need to do to better yourself. I have come to the realization that, even though I'm done with school, I'm not done learning. Life in itself is a matter of finding the perfect balance between study and practice, and I have not done either of those lately. I don't regret taking these last few months as a "sabbatical" of sorts...learning to rest, to manage the "grown up" things like finances, work, and living on my own...but now it's time for some forward motion, this time not for a degree or for a grade, or even to land a job, but for my own self, my own soul.

In health:
I will be diligent in eating well. I am not going on a "diet"...I am going to eat well. For my body, and for the world I live in.
I am going to be active so that I can be healthy and physically able to do whatever life throws my way. Humans are so strong emotionally, spiritually, and mentally...and it's a shame we don't attempt to be completely holistic and add physical strength to that list.

In my art:
I am going to read a lot of books, look for inspiration...that's the study part.
Then, I'm actually going to do something about it. I'm going to try and fail and try again until I find my strides in my music, and in my visual arts.

In my personal life:
I have yet to be open to invite people into my home and use my house as a place where true community can be found. I want to let my friends in so we can share this story called life together.

Diligent. Intentional. Lord help me.

One Day On Earth

2011-11-10T10:00:00.002-06:00

This is beautiful, this is inspiring. This is the kind of project I want to do.

We all have stories, and we need...no, we HAVE to celebrate that.

So many times we look at stories from other cultures, with all their beautiful traditions and things that seem so foreign and exciting and feel that our story seems mundane. But the truth is it's beautiful. It is exciting. You have managed to be alive on this day, and because of that, there's a story to tell.

This is also a challenge to myself of sorts...after college, I was so overwhelmed with all of the people and the crazy business of life that I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. I sometimes wonder if I've let my world become a little bit too small. I wonder if, in the midst of telling other peoples' stories through my job, and encouraging others to tell their own stories if I do a good job telling my own.

So with that thought, tell me a story.

2011-09-09T09:21:00.004-05:00

I will always be a mess. Always.

But I'm willing to let go of whatever mess I'm simply holding in my hands, my vice gripped fists.

To let go of worries, of demons and ghosts. of scars.

To let it all go to where it's just me and you. two messes just trying to make it.

Where it's just love. Perfect love that casts out fear. But it casts out a lot more than that.

It casts out expectations. timelines. other voices.

And in the place of those things, it brings in contentment. peace. laughter and I love you's.

Because I really do. And that's why I'll open my hands.

2011-07-11T11:34:00.002-05:00

I am thankful.

Thankful for the broken pieces of myself that forced me back to being that little girl on the floor, crying out to her Father to help.

Thankful for that feeling. that moment. when all of the sudden, you know you're a changed person. and you can't help but celebrate the work of your Savior.

Thankful for the other moment. The one where you realize your life is nothing like you planned. But more fulfilling and more beautiful than what you had wanted for yourself.

Thankful for two strong arms that connect to a strong and wonderful man, that I fit perfectly in when they wrap themselves around me.

Thankful for that strong and wonderful man. and the laughter that sums up our relationship. Joy.

Thankful for a family who helps me pretend like I'm independent. but is there when I realize I'm still a kid.

Thankful for a job that allows me to do what I'm good at, while learning completely new things at the same time.

Thankful for dance. for art. for music.

Thankful for time to sit and be thankful.

Gosh. My life is just so so good.

2011-06-20T16:57:00.005-05:00

:After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.:

I said this the last time I posted. And guess what? I did it. I sat down, and...for the first time since high school...I took a deep breath. I sat with my family and gave them my undivided attention, I began dreaming about making things, doing things, slowing down and simplifying. And then, I realized that I didn't have the time.

So. I quit. and it was the best decision I've ever made. I became so busy with church, I didn't have time for God, or for feeding my soul. I was so busy "ministering" I forgot how to spend genuine time with people and just be their friend. I can't remember the last time I picked up my instruments and played music or drew a picture just because I loved it. I could only fit in dance, the best thing I have done for myself, once a week-if that.

So what do I do now? Live. I have time and energy to pour love in to my relationship with James. To be intentional about learning how to live a life beside someone. I get to love and thrive in my job, which is an incredible feeling. I'm not too tired to create or to dance.

I can finally be. healthy.

:"I do believe in simplicity. It is astonishing as well as sad, how many trivial affairs even the wisest thinks he must attend to in a day; how singular an affair he thinks he must omit. When the mathematician would solve a difficult problem, he first frees the equation of all incumbrances, and reduces it to its simplest terms. So simplify the problem of life, distinguish the necessary and the real. Probe the earth to see where your main roots run. " -Henry David Thoreau:

My roots run in passion. Passion for life. for joy in the simplest of the everyday...which I can only do if life becomes more than just a blur passing by me. Passion for people. loving them, working towards justice and equality...which I can only do if I have time for actual people.

This is my new motivation.

:"All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance, just don't tiptoe.":

Me? I'll be dancing. You may join me if you like.

2011-03-22T12:49:00.003-05:00

It's been since Christmas since I've touched this thing.
My oh my how my life has changed. Over the course of those few months, and the changes are just beginning.

My pride has been broken. I'm feeling it as I learn to die to myself and follow a path much bigger and better than me. But not bigger and better in the world's idea, in fact. Some would look and say I'm settling for something much smaller, but I don't hear them anymore.

My dear spiritual mother said that, when we are patient to follow the will of God, the blessings will not stop. And I'm finding her words to be true. I'm blessed in love, from a man and from my consistently wonderful friends. I'm blessed in school, somehow everything is getting done so I can get out. I'm blessed with dreams given by God. and I cannot wait to see what happens after May 7th.

Over the past few months, here is what I've learned:
1. It's more than okay to be slightly wild.
I'm allowed to thrive off of extreme joy in the small. I can dance when I hear a song I love and sing to it at the top of my lungs if I want. I can run through fields. Laugh a childlike full-belly laugh whenever I want. I can be moved to tears by good art. I can take time to show the person standing in front of me that they mean the world to me. Why? Because all of these are but samples of just how much God loves me.

2. Open Up
The past three months of opening up to allow someone in is the hardest and best thing I've ever done. I am one with a lot of walls, and James has had to fight to tear them down. But the result of being known as well as I am, as scary as it is. Has changed me. I'm willing to take the time to be known by others...not to the same extent, but still known. I want to open up to more people because I want them to know the same unconditional love, acceptance, and understanding I know.

3. You choose who you want to be.
There comes a point of release. Whatever everyone is saying about how you should be, where you should go, what you should do. You get to choose whether it matters or not. You get to follow their suggestions or declare yourself free and run straight into who you were created to be.

There's so many more.

Here is the lesson I want to learn, I found this on a blog I follow:

"If you are working relentlessly out of guilt or self-inflicted obligation, stop immediately. If you think maybe you're working relentlessly because of guilt or self-inflicted obligation but aren't quite sure, stop immediately. The actions that fill your days should come out of health, joy, love, peace, and heart. If you've lost your passion, drop everything, and for the love of God: Go find it"

After school. I intend to sit and go through my life. What am I actually passionate about? What am I doing out of guilt or obligation? I don't want to be busy. I want to be fulfilled.

‎.:Truly He taught us to love one another:.

2010-12-25T10:29:00.004-06:00

‎"Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His Gospel is peace. Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother, and in His Name all oppression shall cease."

I'm not going to lie, Christmas music drives me crazy. But these lines alone are so powerful, I can't get them out of my head. This is not a "don't buy anything for Christmas" or a "you should feel guilty about all the presents you got, you selfish Americans" post. This is a post of celebration!

Christmas, not December 25th (because December 25th is just another day), but the actual coming of perfect, holy Jesus to come sit with, love, and die for all of us messed up people, is just the beginning of a truth and a powerful celebration that should follow us every day. He came to show there is one gift we all want. One gift we all desperately need-freedom. Freedom from ourselves, freedom from our oppression, freedom from being the oppressors. Freedom from everything and everyone that tells us to stay put, we're powerless and no good can come from us. That is wrong, and that is slavery.

Jesus came to bring us jubilee! He not only broke our chains by dying on the cross, but he gave us the power and the call to break chains for others in his name. Through him, we have a love that surpasses all understanding. Through him, we can look at someone and demand that all spiritual oppression end. Because of Jesus, we have the vision of a better world where there is no slavery, no wars, just love and justice because that is what makes up who HE is. And we have the Scriptures to help us know how to begin to bring that kingdom to this world until he comes and brings it to its fulfillment.

So, beginning today, Christmas day. Let's run through the streets, proclaiming justice, breaking free, breaking chains. Loving so much it hurts us, yelling jubilee until our throats are raw. Anyone who tells us we can't change the world is right, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, you can change little parts of the world. You can do all he has equipped you to do, and that is more than enough.

What have we got to lose?

Linus is right

2010-12-09T22:52:00.000-06:00

I won't let commercialism ruin my Christmas

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T19:56:00.002-06:00

Why does Thanksgiving end as soon as you wash the dishes? As soon as we fall into the food coma, we wake up and have moved straight on to the holiday where we get to make a list of all the things we wish we had, and forget about what we are thankful for.

Okay, now that that is out of the way...

Someone said the other day that they didn't think I'd ever get out of Siloam. I take that as a personal challenge.
I have less than six months, and I'm out of here. Where am I going? I don't really know or care to know that answer at the moment. So far, the only plan I can come up with is being a gypsy..but apparently that is not a legitimate answer when someone asks you what you're doing after graduation.

However, I refuse to feel like a failure if what I do immediately after graduation isn't "big" by someone's standards. All I want to do is find people to love and go love them, and the rest just doesn't matter at this point. I find myself just so happy at random moments that have nothing to do with school or work; but are simply because of humans and how ridiculous we can be. We come up with hilariously creative ideas, funny words to describe things, we're nerds about topics we're interested in and call everyone else nerds for liking things we don't. We dance, we hug, we laugh, we make funny faces and act really awkward sometimes.

For so long I chose to be discontent in anything and everything, now I can't imagine being that person, life wasn't fun at all back then; and to all of you who I've known over the years, I'm sorry I didn't take advantage of knowing you and find joy in who you were.

You are beautiful.

2010-10-27T20:56:00.003-05:00

There's a kid sitting beside me in the coffee shop. He's obviously an underclassman and he goes to the U of A. His friends are egging him on "Are you still a Christian like you were at the beginning of the semester?" You can see in his eyes he's cornered. He's insecure and he wants to make sure that his answers please those sitting beside him, waiting to judge his answers.

"I don't want to be anything. I hate labels, and that's all Christianity is"

His friends nod with approval. They are pleased, so he is pleased.

Poor, lost boy.

We are all poor, lost boys.

WHY do we feel like we have to hide and keep who we are, who and what we love a secret?

SINCE WHEN is our identity based on two people who, in a few years, you won't remember their names?

HOW can this be a way of life that's appealing to us? Always trying to measure up to every fickle human being around us?

Why can't we just grow up? Stand on a rooftop and yell "THIS IS WHO I AM! Take it or leave it, but I love it because it was worth dying for".

Who you are is beautiful. Who you are is on purpose. Own it.

I'm praying for you, poor lost boy.

Dear Life:

2010-10-25T22:30:00.002-05:00

Please keep surprising me, it keeps me on my toes :)

I look forward to the future more and more everyday, but with it...I feel as if I'm finally understanding what it feels like to just be. To rest in the ebb and flow of God working everyday in the most simple, uncomplicated, and quiet ways. Living in the moment is just as important as dreaming big dreams. It's easy for me to hate the present, and try to just push my way to the future (which I know is literally impossible...but I'm speaking figuratively here). So much good is going on all around me-beautiful fall weather, fantastic new friends. I'm letting myself feel things I've never been willing to feel before, and it's scary and wonderful and sometimes I'm struck breathless at just how good life is. Like when I'm laughing so hard I'm in tears because simple conversations get out of hand hilarious, or walking into a building where people take the time to let me know I am loved, or getting to dance and have little girls in the audience think I'm a fairy princess. The fact that I even have a high school diploma and am about to receive a college diploma, which is more than a lot of girls around the world get to have. So much of life is so good.

Sometimes, I feel awkward inhaling because I'm afraid my exhale is going to sound like a toddler's giggle.

This is a beautiful life we get to live. Stop. Look around and love it for what it is right now.

2010-10-19T09:45:00.003-05:00

I have been neglecting blogging and journaling entirely for a while. Afraid that, if I write something, then I will be forced to think too much about too many things. But here I go again. I want to document this last year of school, because I think it’s going to be full of a lot of things-good, bad, every beautiful thing in between. Over the past year or so, I’ve been realizing that I don’t have to plan. Life is a collision of events, orchestrated by a God who is much more wise and powerful than I will ever be. Each collision happens to spur you to a place you would not have thought to go for yourself. I have dreams, I have goals. But mostly, I have faith to take each step, big or little, with what little strength I have, knowing that I am being carried.
This weekend, I went on an Unplugged retreat with a church I have been going to for a while. It would take post after post to explain the impact this church has had on me. But this retreat topped it all. I found a home. I heard from the Lord. I was emptied of all the crap that was taking over myself, and filled with joy and peace. But we did something that I never would have thought to do.

We took 2x4s across our shoulders and ran up a steep, curvy hill. It was symbolic of taking up our cross and dying to ourselves. To me, this has usually been an over glorified idea that leads to focusing on ourselves, but this was not the case. Since we were in the mountains of Arkansas, I couldn’t breath because of my allergies to pine trees, so I started out at a disadvantage. They said we could walk or run, but I wanted to feel the spirit push me physically as he’d been pushing me spiritually, so I took off running. I was tired and sweaty, sore and out of breath, my shoulders hurt and I could barely stand when I finished. But that’s nothing compared to what Christ experienced. The cross is not a pretty stained glass window. It’s not a silver charm on a chain hanging around someone’s neck. It’s dirty and sweaty and bloody. It’s a reminder of how it must be God’s will and not ours, even when we are begging him to take the cup from us. It’s a challenge for me to push myself for the sake of the Cross, and that’s a sad part about how I live. But something in me died last weekend so that I could actually remember what it feels to be alive again. And it is Christ carrying the ends of the beams, lifting the burden and keeping me from falling flat on my face.

Lead

the cross

.:Hello Senior Year:.

2010-09-02T22:37:00.002-05:00

After getting in touch with an alter ego for a whole summer and working grounds crew. I feel more balanced than ever heading back to school. For an entire summer, I got my hands dirty, working in the earth that I love so much. I did a lot of tasks by myself, so I had plenty (or maybe too much?) time to think about anything and every thing.

I found I'm more of an introvert than I thought. And I found I'm okay with that.

And so, I return to the familiar life of a student. The same teachers, same people, same schedule of class, work, homework, repeat. But the finish line is finally in sight. When I dream of things, they could actually happen soon-ish. Or maybe something will happen that is not at all what I dream of, but is what I actually need?

I'm just ready to find that tribe...that group of people who are closer to you than brothers or sisters, that are ready and willing to live life right beside you and you are ready to live right beside them.

Senior year, let's make it a good one.

.: Goodbye Junior Year :.

2010-05-08T02:00:00.003-05:00

This year was hard. There were a lot of lessons, a lot of lonliness and questions.
Anger.
Stress.
Heartbreak

and all more than once.

There was good, too. Usually found in little, subtle moments. It ended well, which is the most important part.
That's what my piano teacher always told me.
"Begin with a fury, end with a flourish, and forget what happens in the middle"

I am glad that next year is my last here. and hopefully by this time next year I can put here all my grand plans.

But for now I will tell you, the skies are beginning to look a bit more blue. I don't know if it's something you've done,
Or something time is doing on it's own.

Freedom, new page, I'm ready.

2010-04-01T18:16:00.002-05:00

Sometimes this life overwhelms me. You think somethings over, when it's really only beginning. You think you've figured it out, but you've gotten it all wrong. Everything seems impossible, yet you do it and get through it anyway.

We are lost, we are found, and we are dancing all the way through. And that's the beauty in this whole mess.

Hello old friend.

2010-01-26T23:10:00.002-06:00

It's been a while since I've written here. But times of complete unmotivation to do homework call for posts :)

Something happened to me over the break. It's like a switch that's been flipped over and over, but there's a shortage or (in my case) a broken light bulb that just won't come on. Over break, the Lord used my family to heal me. Since May, all the little pieces of my world have fallen apart, leaving me bitter and broken-hearted, and during the break, I basked in the fact that, unlike others who have hurt me, my family loves me (even when I'm weird). There's nothing for the soul like unconditional love from a human. We get it from God, but sometimes he has to communicate it through tangible beings.

I see now that all the things that have happened were not some dirty trick to make me feel forgotten and alone, but a rescuing of sort. Now, I have no one to dictate to me who I am. All I have left is my family and my God. And I'm to become who I am to become, regardless of what everyone or any one says.

My heart still hearts, and I still feel forgotten at times, but I'm learning.

I guess I'm growing up...haha. yeah right.

2009-11-03T00:36:00.002-06:00

Today, a little boy at the high school killed himself. Suicide will always mess with my head and my heart. How do you explain to the little girl that broke up with him that it's not her fault? How do you help his parents see that they did they best they could? How can you blame this boy?

You can't. all you can do is be there. Be there with his family and friends. Be here before the Lord. Anne Lamott described it as building a barn: "We, their friends, all know the rains and the wind will come, and they will be cold–oh, God, will they be cold. But then we will come too, I said; we will have been building this barn all along, and so there will always be shelter."

We all need shelter. We all need to be shelter.

My boots are so heavy today.

2009-10-22T19:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I make myself sick.
When I read of revolutionaries and think of how I spent my day, I am achieving nothing. I have made no great sacrifice for humanity, I do not scream out for justice on the streets, I want to...every bone in this body wants to run and do something that changes something around me...but at the end of the day, I'm too tired and have too much homework.

May of 2011...sometimes you are just too far away.

2009-09-10T16:38:00.003-05:00

There is life inside these bones.
I just need to find it
revive it
set it on fire, so I burn, so it's real.
I just need to become, and stay.
awake

2009-08-21T16:03:00.001-05:00

I think I take life too seriously.

Scratch that.

I know I do.

This is going to change.

Starting....

Now.

2009-08-16T21:25:00.001-05:00

Different Spell, Old Magic

Impressive

sense of place
struggling where the past seems a lot better than the present or future

thoughtful on departure
driven by an unattainable dream of happiness

Something

despite longing, exiled

dreaming of a finer future

dismissed into two categories: can't or wouldn't have

open
ashes. scatter them
a former life has gone
unraveled
but remains haunted by them and bitter failures

return for another

In life, characters you care about,
despite or because of their flaws
sympathetic
likeable

on the surface, hilarious

questions, complications
we build for ourselves.

2009-08-03T13:45:00.002-05:00

I am back in Arkansas. I don't really know what to say about this fact. I am with my family, so I am "home", but I am not home. There's so much in my head. So much in my heart. I'm not who I was, and I'm not quite sure who I'll be.

But I know which path I want to go on, and I think that one day, your path will meet mine again.

I'm afraid that I'll lose sight of the path in the midst of the day-to-day, but I trust I will be reminded of the journey I'm on.

I just don't want to lose the pieces of myself I caught this summer.

2009-07-28T03:48:00.002-05:00

How can a heart be broken and full at the same time?
How is it that, just when you think you can't feel or think anymore, something else begins to consume space you didn't think you had.

I wish I would just know. I wish you would too.

2009-06-29T15:10:00.002-05:00

Today I went for a run by the river. There was an old couple who was just sitting there on a bench...watching the water slowly pass by them. They were still there when I came back that way, still sitting, enjoying their surroundings and each other.

When I am old, I want to have lived a life so full that I have nothing better to do than sit by the river with the man who I have lived that life with, reminiscing about our adventures and looking forward to the next ones.

2009-06-12T12:20:00.005-05:00

There's an old man who sits an smokes on the corner outside of my apartment building. Every morning and every afternoon, we great each other in Czech and go about each other's days. I have a neighbor...but I have only caught a glimpse of his back as he walked into his apartment while I was coming up the stairs. He is older. He paints. Every once in a while there is a new panting on our landing. I think that he and the person two floors down smoke weed. I smell it on my way out in the mornings. Everyone in my building is a complete mystery to me, and I one to them.

I love this.

2009-06-03T17:27:00.002-05:00

I am here. In my apartment in the Krc section of Prague...just a bit outside of old town. It is so beautiful and peaceful, I might already be in love with it.
It's interesting to me how free and light I feel, as each plane rose with take-off, so did the weight I was feeling. Nothing describable...just a deep deep peace.
I also think I'm in love with subways...they are much more interesting than buses or trams.

2009-05-30T23:33:00.003-05:00

I have spent this weekend training with Avant in Kansas City, Mo.; and tomorrow I fly out to finally get to Prague. I don't really know much about what I am doing, but I know that I am supposed to be there. I truly anticipate this being one of the hardest, most challenging experiences of my life, but it will be hard in a truly beautiful way.

I'll be keeping this updated more when I am actually there.

2009-05-22T12:47:00.003-05:00

In a week, I am leaving to spend my summer in Prague. I will be working with Avant ministries helping them with video communications stuff.
Europe is where I want to be after college, and I can't believe I get to have a little taste of that.
If I'm going to be honest with myself, I must admit I'm a bit scared...I am going to be the only one who is not married with children...it will be the first time I have been away from some of my best friends for so long...with things that are going on in my life right now, I feel like I'm leaving right in the middle of unfinished things...
but all of this is to say that I'm ready. I will be alone in another country, I intend to use this as a good time of self-reflection and a time to be away from the distractions so I can get some answers.
I am scared and alone, but ready and at peace. And I know that this will be a beautiful adventure.

2009-04-30T14:55:00.001-05:00

I'm growing older, at peace where I'm at.
I wish you could be here for that.

Oh how the mind jumps in the early hours...

2009-04-17T03:05:00.004-05:00

It is 3 in the morning, I can't sleep.
I just got off the phone with my beautiful friend Daniel. We understand each other even though it seems like we shouldn't get the other one at all, I think that's why we are so good for each other.

I wonder what it is that made you give up on me?

Life is still good, don't think I am unstable...I am just a human who doesn't quite understand things.

I am missing some old friends more than ever right now, and I wonder what they are doing.
Life is beautiful, and this is a beautiful time for me. I am learning to exist fully on my own I suppose.

I want to create something...something big and meaningful...even if it only means something to me.

I intent to spend the month of May in fields and trees and homes of loved ones, seeing and creating and loving everything around me before I leave the country for the rest of the summer. I am going to Prague, a place I have never been, without anyone I know...and that excites me more than I can say.

You are beautiful

2009-04-05T14:50:00.001-05:00

I have four weeks until the end of the school year.
I have eight weeks until I embark on a fantastic adventure.
I can do this.

Life is good...life is so good.

2009-03-27T10:25:00.001-05:00

I am free.
Free to love.
Free to be brave.
Free to speak how I feel.
Free to not speak at all.
Free to come and go as I please.

I am free.

Neverland

2009-03-12T15:37:00.003-05:00

"To live would be an awfully big adventure."
Peter Pan, you silly boy, this isn't done in Neverland. Life an adventure when you're allowed to grow up.
It's an adventurous thought that, from here on out, every decision I make--not just about what I do, but about who I am and who I am going to be--will impact the existence I will have as a "grown up". This existence will be one of my own creating, no other human authority will dictate so much of what my life will be like.
I have so many options in front of me. Will it be Spain, Germany, Africa, or Siloam for the summer? Will you be a part of my life? Will I be a part of yours? What great strangers are going to come in and out of my life?

Life is an awfully big adventure, scary, but grand nonetheless.

2009-02-26T17:24:00.000-06:00

"...Am I really what others say about me? Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, yearning and sick, like a bird in its cage,
Struggling for the breath of life, as though someone were choking my throat
Hungering for colors, for flowers, for the songs of birds,
Thirsting for kind words and human closeness,
Shaking with anger at capricious tyranny and the pettiest slurs,
Bedeviled by anxiety, awaiting great events that might never occur, fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away.
Weary and empty in prayer, in thinking, in doing.
Weak, and ready to take leave of it all.

Who am I? This man or that other? Am I then this man today and tomorrow another? Am I both all at once?
An imposter to others, but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army, that flees in disorder before a battle already won?

Who am I?
They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.

Whoever I am, you know me, O God. You know I am yours."

~Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I don't know who I am. But that bird in its cage seems pretty familiar.

2009-01-28T00:58:00.001-06:00

Sometimes loving people means saying nothing to them at all.

2009-01-02T17:37:00.002-06:00

2009 has the potential to be a good year, simply because every day in it has potential to be a good day. I don't make resolutions every year, because I don't think that time can be separated so distinctly. I have goals, but they are life goals, I don't want to limit myself to only improving or doing so many things in 12 months, or to say that I must accomplish something in 12 or I am a failure. Some things take a long longer than 12 months to do. If we stopped worrying about making a resolution to loose 10 pounds in 12 months, and just started focusing on living like a better person today--seizing every moment and learning every lesson we can--we could do a lot more good for this world.

I am not saying that I know a lot about doing a lot of good for the world, I don't do much good for it, actually. I just wanted to clear that up.

I just want to focus on being a better human this day, and I'll take the next when it comes.

2008-12-21T21:29:00.000-06:00

(this is my remake of a scene from the movie "Waking Life")

I find myself in such a search for genuine human interaction, I am almost out of breath. I want to hear the story of the lady who gave me my change. I want to know why the man I just gave change to looks so sad. Why are we so afraid to be human?

Our souls were created to connect in magnificent and powerful ways. When they do, we are supposed to become vulnerable, that's how we learn to love. That vulnerability is sometimes met with acceptance and understanding, and that is how we know that, for whatever reasons, we were meant to meet that person. Sometimes, our vulnerability is simply laughed at and tossed aside, leaving us with smiles so empty and a simple, "I'm fine. Have a nice day."

I must admit that I beg people to be vulnerable with me. I thrive off of hearing stories and feeling with other humans. But, I am not good at exposing my own vulnerability. I am trying desperately to break out of this "Ice Queen" shell I've built for myself. Recently, I've felt the urgency of my need to be human. I can't ask others to show me their souls when I will hardly even speak what's on my mind.

I want to be real because I don't want to lose you...any of you.

I don't want to be an ant, you know?

2008-12-08T19:07:00.000-06:00

I want to be my own, intelligent person. And in order to do that, I accept certain things about myself.
I accept that I am terrified of the love that "The Prophet" speaks of in my previous post. No one has ever shown it to me, but the idea bothers me. So, maybe I am not terrified as much as I am skeptical of it.
I accept the fact that, as I am growing into myself, I will not please my family or the old ladies at church. Maybe I won't please any one but myself, but I accept that too.

But, whether I please you or not--whether I receive your love or laugh at it in cynicism, reject or run away from it, I really do love you. Please accept that and remember it.

Meditation on Love

2008-11-28T13:01:00.000-06:00

"When love beckons you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when he speaks to you, believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you until you are pliant; and they you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself. Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.
When you love, you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has not other desire but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love, and to be bled willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving, to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecxtasy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."
__Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"

2008-10-15T13:03:00.001-05:00

Every second of everyday, I grow into a different person. I am constantly bombarded with new, and so I become. I hear new thoughts, see new things, meet new people. I learn from all these things, they add and take away from me, leaving me completely altered.

I am always changing, becoming new, becoming someone else. That is why you will never truly love me. Why, though you think so now, you will not love me tomorrow.

It is also why I can't promise that I will love you tomorrow. It's why I can't go, do, or really even think beyond this very moment.

That is why I cannot commit to any of this.

A poem by Joshua and Jessica

2008-09-29T23:45:00.000-05:00

Last night, a strange fire burnt all the worlds money.

Today we had nothing responsible to do. We just spent the day up in the trees playing music and resting in its echoes.

We were all our favorite animals.

We all died and didn't mind because it seemed that the time was right.

We were no longer just two lonely people. The ocean let us through, and we were free to roam together as we pleased.

Be Brave, Be Brave #1

2008-09-23T13:16:00.000-05:00

Step #1: learn to apologize

I have become too busy for people.

Old and new friends, I seem to think that I have no time for them.

This is not how I want to be, but sometimes I just do this.

I'm sorry.

spostati di vento. in silenzio.

2008-08-23T17:43:00.000-05:00

I am moving by wind. In Silence.
You can't catch me (not that you really want to), and I can't catch myself either.
I do not see the path, I simply am moved. Moved to dance and lay in the grass, moved to sit under a bridge, moved to tears, moved to love and laugh and cry.

The wind picks me up and I go. I go and I'm sorry.
It is not fear, but wind--wonderlust--that takes me.
Even when my body stays around, at least my mind goes where the wind wants to take the rest of me.

But you don't notice because it is in silence and with silence that I am dancing.
You just wake up and I'm not there.

This wind, this silence invites you to come, but you are too busy to listen and to dance.
......
I wonder about where I'll end up too much.
Mostly I just want to know if you're going to come too.

It will be our silent, fantastic adventure.

say cheese

2008-08-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

I have never been afraid for a friends life as much as I am for my friend whom I mentioned in my previous blog. There is a long, long story, but I wish I could just be there to hold him until it all passed. I think that friends' arms make the best escapes.

..........

Tomorrow, I move into my dorm. I am moving in early to help out with freshman orientation. To be honest, I am feeling like a freshman myself.

The truth is that I'm close to terrified. There are too many new, uncertain things this year. My best college friend is not coming back. Which means that all the adventures we were going to have aren't going to happen.

The most terrifying part is that I am not the same person I was even in May. I do not know if this new person that is myself will fit in to JBU. I just don't know.

Siloam is a hard place to live in sometimes. I have made a few new friends this summer, and they have made it better, but it is still hard. Maybe I am just determined to be discontent. I was talking to one of my summer friends about how it is either laugh or cry.

I guess I'm just choosing to smile through my tears.

2008-08-14T23:37:00.000-05:00

"We must learn to reawaken and keep ourselves awake, not by mechanical aids, but by an infinite expectation of the dawn, which does not forsake us in our soundest sleep" ~Henry David Thoreau

I use too many mechanical aids. And I am never asleep.

I do not sleep because too many things pop into my head. Faces (real and made up), witty one-liners. sad things, conversations, things I want to do, things I can't do, things I need to do.

And then I get a drunk call from my best friend. It is funny how long we can talk while he's intoxicated. He tells me funny stories and then he says that he loves me. He says I'm pretty and that one day I will make someone very happy...I find this funny because his reason for telling me this is that I go to JBU. He says I wouldn't hear it much there...Christians are stingy with their compliments. I love my best friend and am glad he only lives an hour away.

I do NOT love that I can not sleep. I wish I had someone here to talk to me until I fall asleep...not in the desperate kind of way but in the "you're not alone" kind.

I think that my organs are professional athletes...my mind races, my heart dances, and my stomach does gymnastics. They do this without my permission and leave me (who is not a professional athlete by any stretch) exhausted but sleepless.

What's funny is that you're sleeping soundly because you do not know. You do not know or you do not care, either way is okay with me.

I wish I didn't have a sleeping family so that I could make a little bit of noise.

Dream

2008-08-13T18:47:00.000-05:00

I had a dream that I was an exciting and productive person.

It was just a dream...I am neither.

I spend my time sitting at railroad tracks, under bridges, in hidden spots outside thinking. That, or working. I am lame.